Deconstructing Stigma profile

I am not going to not recover

Dear Friends,

I’d like to invite you to explore an inspiring anti-stigma campaign organized by McLean Hospital (affiliated with Harvard University) called Deconstructing Stigma. The project highlights the personal stories of individuals who are living well with mental illness—stories of strength, recovery, and resilience.

I’m honored to share that my story (see below) has just been added to the collection. It’s titled “I’m not going to not recover” and appears under “Bob” on their website. You can read it here: https://deconstructingstigma.org/stories

As you might expect, McLean does an exceptional job presenting the lives of people who have challenged the stereotypes surrounding mental illness by speaking openly about their journeys.

Thank you for reading!

All best,
Bob

I am not going to not recover

Bob had a normal childhood with a loving family and access to good schools. But as a graduate student, his life took a devastating turn after his first psychotic break.

I was renting an apartment with another student. There was a regular 40-watt bulb in a closet, and shafts of light showed through to the bed where I was sitting. All of a sudden, I realized that it was the light of God and that God was sending me telepathic messages!

The bizarre messages told Bob that a nuclear holocaust was happening in his city. He was compelled to alert the chancellor of his university, so he hopped in his car and drove into the night. He arrived at a four-way stop and believed a car he came upon would lead him to the chancellor’s home. He followed the car until it drove up to a large building with a portico.

I ran into the building, and there was a woman at the desk. I insisted I needed to see the chancellor. She smiled and took me to a treatment room.

Bob had unknowingly driven himself to the local emergency department. He was admitted to the hospital’s psychiatric unit. After 10 days, he was only told of a diagnosis of an adjustment disorder but was prescribed an antipsychotic. His treatment team seemed to mostly be interested in helping him return to classes.

But I couldn’t do it. My mind was numb from the psychosis and medication. I had to resign from graduate school.

In the years that followed, Bob tried to find work while managing severe episodes of depression and a near-constant but mild psychosis.

At one point, when the depression had temporarily abated, he took a job as an admissions officer at a leading university. But he struggled in that position and, over the years, was demoted to computer specialist and eventually to groundskeeper.

Because of my diagnosis, the IT managers thought that I was going to do something diabolical with the computer, which of course, was completely false. It was stigma.

Bob remains grateful that his family supported him through many mental health crises over the years. One day at his parents’ home, he came up with the mantra, “I’m not going to not recover.” He didn’t know how; he just had confidence that everything would turn out right.

After being fired from many jobs, he still wanted to work, so he started his own business.

He was drawn to horses; they were therapeutic. For a few years, he closely guarded a delusion to “save” the U.S. Equestrian Team (USET). By strange chance, he became involved with the USET, traveling around the United States and promoting their merchandise on the East and West Coast horse circuits.

But the USET business failed, and he found himself alone in a small apartment. After three subsequent and severe episodes of psychosis, Bob finally met with a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with both a mood and psychotic disorder.

The updated diagnosis, as well as prescriptions for both mood stabilizing and antipsychotic medications, created a remarkable turnaround.

Those medications straightened me out. I no longer had psychosis, and I was no longer acting on these delusions. It just changed my life completely.

Now with reasonable and realistic goals, when Bob reached midlife, he found stable work as a photojournalist and reporter for news publications. He also joined the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

NAMI is very good if you want to work through stigma issues. It was the first time I had been in a situation where people applauded me when hearing about my mental health condition and my struggle for recovery.

NAMI allowed Bob to speak at conferences and other venues. His affiliation with the organization led to his position as a researcher at a center for psychiatric rehabilitation—his first full-time job since his mental health struggles began at age 23.

At about the same time, Bob founded a nonprofit whose mission is to support people with lived experience of mental health disorders in pursuing the arts.

Now retired, Bob still serves as editor of an award-winning literary journal. He continues to take medication and see a therapist regularly, and he has many friends who provide support. Bob wants others who experience mental health challenges to remain hopeful.

You may not see an end to your problems right away, but you never know what’s going to come around the bend!